Over the last few months, I’ve had the opportunity to have several discussions with churches who are actively seeking to engage with and offer support to families with young children in their congregations. In these conversations, the same topic came up a number of times– the lack of attendance by these families at church events crafted especially for them.
One participant put it this way: “When we ask our parents and caregivers what they want and need from the church, they always say ‘Community’ but when we create community events for them, they either don’t come at all or the same small group comes to everything. We don’t know what else to do.”
I do not think this is an isolated sentiment or experience for these churches. Many family ministers have re-vamped existing programs, created new programs, or put together family-focused events in order to reach the perceived needs of their parents and caregivers when it comes to support, nurture, and resourcing.
But I think perhaps the breakdown happens in our interpretation of what it is that parents and caregivers really want; in other words, what do they mean when they say they want “community”?
My guess is that their desire is not for another event a church, no matter how well-intentioned or meticulously programmed. My guess is that when parents and caregivers of young children say they are in need of community, that’s exactly what they mean – they need a community. They need a group of people that will commit to showing up in real life with them. A community that doesn’t insists on them showing up at the church building during a specific set of hours, wrangling their kids and their schedules into submission in order to make it there on time, and leaving to head back to a home with the same level of stress and lack of support that they left it.
Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.comCommunity is not program-driven or time-restrained. It doesn’t happen on a schedule and it isn’t tied to one location. Community is a people thing; it’s when a group of human beings intentionally choose to move beyond connection into a meaningful relationship that extends beyond the boundaries of their initial meeting place and into the rhythms of everyday life. Community is messy and chaotic and real and regular. And it is, I think, exactly what parents and caregivers are looking for.
Community looks like…
… a hot home-cooked meal dropped off by a friend who sees that life’s been a bit stressful and time for cooking might be a bit thin.
…an offer to drive kids home from or away to practice or school or in between houses if parents are estranged or divorced.
…showing up at a child’s soccer game or theater performance or T-ball tournament and sitting with the parent during the event, cheering for their kid and supporting the family.
…texting with a prayer or a Scripture or a word of encouragement randomly throughout the week; checking in to see if there are any needs.
…inviting the whole family over for dinner on a monthly basis so everyone gets a break and a change of scenery.
…offering to watch the kids some evening so mom and dad can have a few hours of uninterrupted time together.
You get the idea. And I am quite sure that you could list other things that would be community to you.
Parents and caregivers are juggling so much and too often creating an event for them to attend is like throwing them another ball and then making them feel bad when they can’t add it to the mix. After a while, it feels easier to just stay away all together then to feel bad every time you have to miss an event. Conversely, when we are community in a way that is real and relevant, showing up all week long, not just on Sundays and event times and not just at the church building or small group, we are not adding to the balls but helping to juggle them, maybe even taking a ball or two out of the mix.
And then what happens? When community increases, when support is acute, when balls are taken instead of dropped, suddenly there is margin, space to do things like attend a church event designed for the family and participate in a program that helps bring stability and focus into the home.
Community is not about making sure that everyone comes to everything that the church offers. It also does not mean that we abandon everything that church and just spend time together as friends. Christian community means that we gather together as a people of God to worship and grow and learn as one AND we commune together throughout our days as brothers and sisters in the body of Christ, living together as the family of God all week long.
If family attendance at church events is lacking but parents/caregivers are expressing desires for “more”, it may be that the more they are looking for is the church, the body of Christ, showing up in community all week long. Maybe the best thing you can do for your families isn’t planning the next event but introducing the church to one another (My opinion on the best way to do this – intentional prayer connections such as the Pray For Me campaign and intergenerational service experiences in the local community).
In the end, we can never go wrong by being more connected to each other and finding ways to serve and bless one another, especially those who are in the midst of raising the next generation of Jesus followers. How can your church come alongside parents and caregivers and offer the community they are looking for?
ReFocus Roundtable – May 7, 1 pm ET
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Spring Prayer Bucket List Challenge
Gather the family together for a Spring Bucket List Challenge: Complete all the activities before fall kicks the bucket!Together you’ll find new ways to pray as a family and have a lot of fun along the way. HINT: You can make this activity even more fun by supplying a bucket, some of the materials mentioned in the activities (such as a candle, stuff for S’mores, construction paper, etc.), and a printed copy of this challenge. Is it FALL where you live? Choose the Fall Bucket list when you check out Download: https://refocusministry.gumroad.com/l/bucketlist
About the Author
Christina Embree is the founder and director of ReFocus Ministry. She holds a masters in ministry focused on Children, Youth, and Family Ministry and a doctorate in spiritual formation with a focus on age segregation and intergenerational ministry. In addition to coaching churches of multiple denominations and traditions all around the globe, Christina serves as the Minister of Generational Discipleship for the Great Lakes Conference of the Brethren in Christ and as a pastor at Plowshares Brethren in Christ in Lexington, Kentucky. She is widely recognized as a speaker and author in the areas of generational discipleship, intergenerational ministry, and family ministry. As the mother of three children, she is familiar with the challenges of faith at home and pastoral ministry. She along with her husband Luke share a love for the church, their community, and the global work of peace and restoration through Jesus.