“Highs and Lows!!”

If you eat dinner with the Embree family, no doubt that right after we pray, you’ll hear one of our kids yell this out.  It has become part of our dinnertime DNA and something that has led to incredible faith conversations over spaghetti and salad.  Some of our most defining moments as a family in terms of discipleship and growth as a family have taken place because of these four questions.

I can’t take credit for them.  That goes to Dr. Kara Powell of Fuller Youth Institute.  I had the opportunity a few years ago to attend a seminar led by her about Sticky Faith and how to help our kids develop a faith that sticks beyond high school.  She shared this dinner time routine at that conference and I immediately thought, “This is easy!  This is something we can do!” and so… we did.

Here are four simple but ever so critical questions we ask each other nearly every day.

1. What was your HIGH today?

Simply put, you are just asking what went well that day. Why? Well, I’m sure you’ve all experienced the oh-so-enlightening after-school conversation that goes something like this:

Parent – So, how was school today?  Child – Fine.  

Parent – Well, what’d you do? Child – Nothing.  

Parent – You had to do something. What did you learn? Child – I dunno.  

Parent – Oh come on, give me something! Child – *blank stare* 

Asking a question like “What was your high?” begs the answer in story form.  Sure every now and then, we get a shrug, but most of the time, we get to hear about something that happened that day that otherwise we would not have been privy too.  Plus the whole family gets to celebrate the moment together.

2. What was your LOW today?

It is important to recognize that not everything that happens in a day is fun and happy.  Sometimes things happen that make us angry or sad.  Having a safe place to mention low times and process with family can lead to some of the most meaningful moments in your family’s life.  We’ve cried together, talked through some difficult situation, prayed for people who hurt us or were hurting, and addressed some of the harder things kids face in life.  We don’t want our kids to live a “facebook” existence where only the good moments get highlighted; rather, we want to teach them that God and home are safe places even in the hardest times.

3. What MISTAKE did you make today?

We all cringe a little bit at this one.  It means we have to step back and acknowledge that we may have messed up. It takes humility to admit that, not only to ourselves, but also to our family.  And no one is exempt; even Mom and Dad have to answer the question.

Do you know what message this sends our kids?  That we mess up, but God’s love is available anyway.  Forgiveness and grace are always available.  Sometimes, we can genuinely say, “I had a good day and I can’t think of any mistakes” but those times are outweighed by the moments we recognize that we trip up and fall into the grace of God.  We want our kids to know that no matter how big the “mistake”, God’s grace, love and forgiveness are always available, and so is ours.

4. Where did you see JESUS today?

This is by far my favorite question.  it’s different from the High of the day.  It’s where we have experienced God in our everyday life.  I love the answers my kids give to this question, things like, “I saw Jesus when my friend gave me a hug” and “I saw Jesus when my teacher forgave some kids who had three strikes and let them have ice cream anyway.”  Seeing the attributes of God in the world around them keeps them looking for Jesus everywhere they go.  Once, one of my girls wrote a note to a friend in which she said, “When you [did that thing] I saw Jesus in you.”  That’s exactly the kind of note we need to be giving one another!

Four simple questions.  Four amazing life lessons.

Four easy ways to connect.  Four intentional moments for discipleship.

And while the dinner table works for us, maybe it would work better for you on car rides? Or before bedtime?  Or maybe even over text if your kids are older?  The idea isn’t to create another “thing “we feel pressured to do.  Rather, it is to layer some intentionality over what we are already doing to create the opportunity to model faith, experience grace, and increase love together.  And, if your family is anything like mine, it will become an anticipated moment of each day.

So, where did YOU see Jesus today?  Share with your kids and let them share with you!

For more information about practical discipleship in the home or transitioning to a more family-focused ministry at your church, go to ReFocus Ministry or “like” our Facebook page.

About the author

Christina Embree is wife to Pastor Luke, mom to three wonderful kids, and family minister at Nicholasville UMC. She is passionate about seeing churches partnering with families to encourage faith formation at home and equipping parents to disciple their kids in the faith. Currently studying Family, Youth and Children’s Ministry at Wesley Seminary, she also blogs at www.refocusministry.org and is a contributing blogger at ChildrensMinistryBlog.com.

“Mom, look at me!  Look at me, Mom!  Hey, look!! Look what I can do!! Look at me!!”

We’ve all heard this, right?  I don’t care if you are Mom, Dad, Uncle, Aunt, Children’s pastor, random stranger…when a child completes a task as incredible as jumping on a trampoline or sliding down a slide for the first time, the first and loudest thing they want is to be seen!  The cry of “look at me!” rises unbidden and unhindered and unstoppable until you look AND you affirm.  It’s that final part that really makes it.  Just glancing their way does not stop the cries for attention but a simple, “Wow, buddy, that’s awesome!” will silence the cry and, more importantly, satisfy their little soul.

And let’s be honest folks, that whole “cry for attention” thing?  That doesn’t stop when we get older.  We might get a little less vocal about it and we may not draw overt attention to us, but there is something in us that longs for and desires affirmation from others that we have done well.  Don’t believe me?  How excited do you get when your Facebook status or Instagram picture starts piling up the “likes”?  There’s just a little bit of, “Hmm, cool. People liked that” in each of us…that’s why there’s a “like” button.

Affirmation needs to become part of our church’s and home’s DNA. We affirm and celebrate everything from first steps to tooth loss in our kids life, but how often do we take the time to affirm things like kindness, generosity, and obedience?  When our child shares something they learned in Sunday school or offers to pray at dinnertime, are we stopping to say, “Wow, buddy, that’s awesome”? I’m not saying you need to break out in song every time a child demonstrates growth in some spiritual area, but it would be wise to affirm it and celebrate it as often as possible so the “look at me” thing that is in all of us is finding rest in these places of growth.

Here are three ideas for creating space for affirmation in your home:

1. Celebration – Our family has a 30-second celebration, a 2-minute celebration and a BIG celebration that we use as appropriate to each situation.

• If I see one of my kiddos walking in some area of personal growth, I’ll yell out, “30-second celebration!” and the whole family will stop and join in a mini-dance party (we call it our “Oh Yeah dance”) in honor of that person.
• If the whole family has a good moment, such as working through a fight or cooperating to complete a task, it’s a 2-minute celebration which is an full-out dance party to something like “Happy” or just about anything by Toby Mac.
• Our BIG celebrations are Star Dinners where the honored child picks where we eat dinner and we go around the table, each saying something affirming or encouraging to the Star of the night.

These celebrations attach joy and affirmation to nearly every situation we experience and give space to touch that “look at me” spot in our kids’ hearts.

2. Affirmation – To affirm something is to “declare it to be true.”  As Christians we have the chance to not only affirm what we know is true about a child (“You’re a great artist” or “You are really good with little kids”) but also what we know is true about them in Christ (“You have an amazing calling on your life” or “You are immeasurably, overwhelming, unconditionally loved”).  Affirming is NOT the same thing as spoiling or pandering.  You’re not just saying nice things so your child is proud or has high self-esteem.  Rather, you are recognizing and drawing attention to TRUTH in his/her life, know that Christ tells us that “truth will set us free” from fears of inadequacy and self-doubt.

For more on the importance of affirmation, check out this article by Cornerstone for Parents. 

3. Recognition – When God is doing a work in our life, sometimes it is hard for us to see it.  We need a trusted friend to come alongside us and say, “You know, I can really see that you’ve grown in such-and-such.”  I love the story of Peter and Jesus as the “first breakfast” where Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves Him.  After three times, Peter is sad because he knows that he had denied the one he loved.  But Jesus affirms Peter; he calls out truth in Peter’s life and tells him that he will be a minister to God’s flock and eventually even die for Him.  In that moment, Jesus saw something in Peter than Peter just couldn’t see.  Peter saw failure; Jesus saw a faithful friend and fellow minister.

Kids need us to be that for them.  They need us to recognize Jesus in them and to call out those gifts and callings with faith and excitement.  In our homes and in our churches sit tomorrow’s pastors, teachers, missionaries, doctors, businessmen, artists but they are today’s church, needing discipled, mentored, and encouraged in their faith.  A simple note, a whispered prayer, a quiet compliment, a shared Bible verse could be all it takes for a child or youth to see who they are in Christ.  Engage them; recognize for them what they can’t see for themselves.  Let them know they are relevant today because in doing so, you help ensure their relevance for tomorrow.

Have you ever seen a kid’s eyes light up when you give them that little moment of notice and appreciation?  Just think about how their souls light up when we engage their very spirits!  It’s worth some time for us as adults to stop and really look.  It’s worth even more than a “like” on Facebook.

For more information about practical discipleship in the home or transitioning to a more family-focused ministry at your church, go to ReFocus Ministry or “like” our Facebook page.

About the author

Christina Embree is wife to Pastor Luke, mom to three wonderful kids, and family minister at Nicholasville UMC. She is passionate about seeing churches partnering with families to encourage faith formation at home and equipping parents to disciple their kids in the faith. Currently studying Family, Youth and Children’s Ministry at Wesley Seminary, she also blogs at www.refocusministry.org and is a contributing blogger at ChildrensMinistryBlog.com.

“Mom, I have a question…?”

Is there a scarier statement in the whole wide world!?  Especially as they grow older and their questions get more, um, exciting?  I think every time by almost-12 year old starts a conversation like that, my heart has a mini-heart attack just waiting to see what the question will be.  95% of the time it’s something like, “Can Amber have a sleepover?” or “Can I watch a movie?” but sometimes… sometimes it’s the question my heart was dreading, questions I don’t want to have to answer or I don’t feel prepared to answer.

I heard someone once say that parenting is like the world’s scariest, fastest roller coaster. You get a slow climbing start (nine months sounds about right) and then, bam, fastest learning curve on the planet and you fly down the first hill of sleepless nights, first everythings, and a tiny person in your capable(?) care.  From that point, you might as well just settle in for the craziest up-and-down ride of your life that seems to increase in speed exponentially as said child grows.  You’ll take turns that twist your neck, throw out your back, and make your stomach do flip-flops.  You’ll experience amazing bursts of adrenaline, hilarious laughter, and you’ll “throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care.”  There will be moments where you’ll scream, “Stop the ride!  I can’t do this!” and then moments where you’ll shout, “Woohoo!  I just did that!” 

So if parenting is a roller coaster, then those questions are the drops, where your heart plunges and you think, “Nope, can’t handle this one.”  I’ve seen and experienced many different reactions that parents have to these question moments.  When the tough questions come, I’ve seen parents retreat and I’ve seen parents engage.  I’ve seen subjects get changed, answers get delayed, and interrogations take place.  And as a parent myself, I am definitely navigating the waters of the best parental response to these moments.

Can I offer these few thoughts?

1. Don’t react in Fear – Fear is an awful thing.  It convinces us of things like, “You’re not good enough.  You can’t do this right.  You are going to screw this up.”  It whispers in your ear, “Answer this question perfectly OR your kid is lost and it’s your fault.”  I’ve watched fear lead parents to completely close themselves off from their children because they are so afraid of messing up.  That in and of itself will harm.  Remember this in those moments, “God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, and of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND.” (2 Tim. 1:7).  That fear you feel?  Not from God.  The power, love, and sound mind you experience? From God.  Lean into that and fight fear.  Even if you have to say, “That’s a great question and I want to answer it.  Let’s set a time to do that because I want to pray first and give you the best answer I can” will be better than just dodging the question in fear.

2. Expect the Questions – As much as we don’t want to think about our children experiencing that “dark side” of the world, they will.  Whether it be moral issues, faith issues, personal issues, emotional issues… they will experience it all… JUST LIKE YOU DID!  Anticipate the questions, because they are coming.  There’s probably not too much that could take you off guard, if you allow yourself to sit down and actually think through the issues they will face.  If you struggle with that, I recommend the book Trust Us, They’ll Ask published by Group .  This book is a fantastic resources to get you thinking ahead to questions that you will face and you won’t be taken off guard.

3. Ask the Questions – I will never forget sitting in a seminar with Jim Burns where he spoke about when it was the right time to talk to your kids about sex.  He shared an example of a five year old coming home and asking what sex was.  The mom, not ready for this question, panicked and launched into a twenty-minute detailed explanation of sex and reproduction – the whole sha-bang.  After she was done, she asked, “Do you have any questions?” and the little boy responded, “Well, that still doesn’t help me fill out this paper for school.  My only choices for sex are M and F.”

Sometimes in our panic or our zeal we forge ahead into territory our kids aren’t ready for yet.  A few probing questions on your part before you answer, such as, “Hmm, why do you ask that?” or “That’s a good question.  Where did you hear about that?” could be just the barometer you need to know where to start and what to say.  Slow down the roller coaster in your own heart.

4. Rely on Christ – Look, the reality is, they will ask the questions and you will struggle to answer.  “How much should I say? How far should I go?  How deep should I venture?”  In those moments, rest in this promise, “the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” (Luke 12:12).  God won’t leave us hanging; He is more invested in your child’s future than you are and He wants them to grow and learn with you.  If He has called you to parent, and you are answering that call, then He will equip you and lead you in the doing.

If parenting is a roller coaster, then He is those really tight bars and straps that keep you from flying out.  You are exactly the right person they should be asking!  If you don’t have the conversation with them, then someone else will, and who knows what they will learn from them.

You are the single most important influence in your child’s life.

You have a great privilege, a beautiful calling, and a God who is with you every step of the way.

For more information about practical discipleship in the home or transitioning to a more family-focused ministry at your church, go to ReFocus Ministry or “like” our Facebook page.

About the author

Christina Embree is wife to Pastor Luke, mom to three wonderful kids, and family minister at Nicholasville UMC. She is passionate about seeing churches partnering with families to encourage faith formation at home and equipping parents to disciple their kids in the faith. Currently studying Family, Youth and Children’s Ministry at Wesley Seminary, she also blogs at www.refocusministry.org and is a contributing blogger at ChildrensMinistryBlog.com.